I'm just starting to feel like I'm coming out of what was a terrible time for me. I was extremely depressed and only one step from making a suicide attempt.
My feelings were too painful. I couldn't sleep. No matter how I tried to redirect my mind to other thoughts, only negative and terrible thoughts filled my mind. So I decided to try one of the pills the doctor had prescribed to help me sleep. If there was any time I wanted to sleep and couldn't, this was it. The directions said to take one at bedtime. But that might mean I'd wake up in the morning and right then, the last thing I wanted to do is wake up. I just wanted to sleep. So I decide to take two and go to sleep. Heather had to wake me the following afternoon. I felt dizzy and unable to focus. I managed to eat something, use the bathroom and go back to bed. I didn't wake again until 2am. and it was almost 24 hours since I took the two pills. Unlike the other time, I could tell this time I was no longer under the influence of any drug. My mind was clear but the depression was back. I did what I needed to do; eat, take the dogs out to potty, etc. I decided there's no way I wanted to be up at 2am. alone in the house so I took another pill and went back to sleep. Though I didn't take anymore pills after that, I spent most of the time sleeping. I slept in the main part of the house so the dogs didn't have to be crated. I had to just hope they didn't get into too much trouble while I slept.
I spent more then 3 days in a sleepy, depressed blur. I didn't leave the house, didn't communicate with anyone but Heather(Though she had to work 3 days in a row which meant 12 hours shifts of work and several hours sleeping, therefore I didn't see much of her.) and barely took care of myself. I feel a little better now. Negative emotions and thoughts aren't constantly plaguing me but I still feel fragile.
Looking back, I wish I could say that I have learned something that will keep me from going down that road again...But I fear as long as I'm alive and don't have something that is helping me with my depression I will continue to have these times. It is just the most terrifying thing. And I felt, no feel, so alone.
Reading over this post, I realize that it doesn't tell the whole story but gives at least a clue to what I went through. I considered not posting this and just keeping it completely to myself. But I realize few will read this and it was some what comforting to be able write and post this.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry this has been happening. :( I noticed I haven't seen you online as much and was starting to get worried. I tried calling today but I understand if you weren't up to talking since so much has been happening. Please know though that you are loved and cared about and if there's anything I can do, please let me know and I will try my best to help.
ReplyDeleteWhen I first read yer post, I thought "man that sounds like something i would do". And I probably have. lol
ReplyDeleteI was talking to Cherie earlier and mentioned that everyone has some sort of test they must go through. Well this ours. Our "thorn in the flesh" And even when I feel alone or even think about the prospect of feeling even MORE alone, lately Ive been trying to keep reminding myself that I always have Jehovah. Now I just have to learn to rely on him more.
And keep in mind that Jehovah chose YOU out of all the billions of people. So hang in there! We have to keep encouraging each other. Even if you feel like you are at the end of your rope and can't possibly be encouraging to anyone, your struggle IS encouraging because you haven't given up.
You've probably been told to pray to Jehovah and thought "I have been and its not working!!" But keep at it. Even if all you can say is Help!, Jehovah will hear you. I like to think of people that are encouraging to me or who are helping me get better as Jehovah's way of saying, "I heard you, don't give up." There are several good articles I've found in the WT library. I did a search on bipolar and found that one I posted. When you feel up to it, check them out. I'm sure you will find them encouraging. :)
Oh and try to find a good therapist and get on the right meds. When combined, they are the most effective treatment, or so I'm told. The hard part is finding a caring therapist who knows that their doing and doesn't waste your time and a dr who is willing to work with you to find the right medication. Maybe that's what you should pray for. :)
ReplyDeleteThank you both for your encouraging words. I needed them.
ReplyDeleteMy sweet sister and friend - I want you to know that you are loved and needed by many people, I am one of those. Glad I get to see you soon. (oh - notice I can FINALLY post)
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