Tired of the Pain

I believe it was back in May 2011 that I went to the hospital because I was in severe pain. While there, x-rays and a sonogram were taken. It was discovered that I have gallstones and was experiencing a gallstone "attack". I was given a prescription for pain medicine and told to follow up with a consultation with a surgeon. Surgery to remove the gallbladder is a common remedy to the problem of gallstones. My situation wasn't considered dire enough that I needed emergency surgery right then. Since then I've been able to have another doctor look at my x-rays and sonogram. She also thought surgery was the only option. Looking up information on my own, I've found that if you have reoccurring attacks, surgery is recommended to stop these. That being said, where the surgery is fairly common, it certainly is not without risks. (No surgery is.) With the help and encouragement of my parents, I was able to try a natural remedy. It consisted of taking pills every day for a number of weeks as well as drinking a special tea. Unfortunately, this didn't work as I have continued to have attacks after finishing it off.

I still haven't had surgery because:
1. I'm scared of the surgery and possible complications.
2. I'd still like to find and try a natural remedy. (You can live without a gallbladder but you can still have unpleasant side effects from not having one. =/)
3. I have no health insurance.

They are all important reasons to me. Even if I feel I've exhausted all possible natural remedies and I can get over my fear, reason number 3 seems like a big issue. Not only am I unemployed and don't have health insurance but I worry that I won't be able to change this any time soon. I may be wrong but finding a part time job where I can handle the type of work I will be doing, work no more then 15 hours a week and have health insurance seems like a tall order to fill.

I've been dealing with attacks since it was discovered I had gallstones. The pain is intense and lasts on average 2-4 hours. The earlier I catch on that I'm getting ready to have an attack and take pain medicine, the better. They tend to happen early in the morning and along with the pain, I'm often nauseated and sometimes vomiting. A lot of information I've read say you can avoid attacks by not eating too much of certain foods. Where I've learned from experience that certain combinations of food cause me problems, I've also had attacks that seem completely unprovoked. =/

The Pain Medicine dilemma: The pain medicine that the doctor at the hospital prescribed does help with the pain but it can take up to an hour to start working. (Hence the importance of catching on early that I'm starting an attack.) Some of the problems with the pain medicine are that it makes me dizzy, nauseous and sleepy. The other problem is that the prescription was for only about 15 pills or so. I've gone through all those pills. Fortunately, I had the same prescription given to me when I had my wisdom teeth surgically removed and I didn't use all the pills up from that. So now I'm using up those when I have an attack. Soon though, I will be out of prescription pain medicine. (I've tried other pain medicines when I'm having an attack but none are strong enough.) When I'm out of pain medicine, I will have no option but to go to the hospital again when I have an attack.

All these things worry me and I'm not sure what to do. I'm sorry for the long post. If you read it and made it to the end, thanks. :)

Song with Attitude

Okay...here it is:

Night Drive by All American Rejects

I know you
so better than the city in the rear view
I drive to
eliminate the ball that I'm chained to

Take me break me
every mile further there's a part of me that slips away
One day you'll see
Even if you got down on your knees you couldn't make me stay

Drive all night
Never gonna get me
Night by night
To get away from it all
Fight fight fight
All you wanna do is hurt me
You wrecked my life
So I'm gonna have to drive all night

I'll stay strong
I'm pushing on the pedal till I break dawn
So I'm gone, go find another shoulder you can cry on

Take me break me
every mile further there's a part of me that slips away
One day you'll see
Even if you got down on your knees you couldn't make me stay

Drive all night
Never gonna get me
Night by night
To get away from it all
Fight fight fight
All you wanna do is hurt me
You wrecked my life
So I'm gonna have to drive all night
You wrecked my life
So I'm gonna have to drive all night
You wrecked my life
So I'm gonna have to drive all night

All of the things that you knew that I'd try
All of the things that I held inside
All I gotta do is drive

Drive all night
Never gonna get me
Night by night
To get away from it all
Fight fight fight
All you wanna do is hurt me
You wrecked my life
So I'm gonna have to drive all night
You wrecked my life
So I'm gonna have to drive all night
You wrecked my life
So I'm gonna have to drive all night
You wrecked my life
So I'm gonna have to drive all night
you wrecked my life
so I'm gonna have to drive all night



I've just been dealing with some frustration recently...especially regarding attitudes. So I thought of this this song and listening to it somehow helps the frustration go away.

Scrapbooking

Here's my latest accomplishment:




I made this the day that Faye had her boyfriend over. That didn't go as planned but this page turned out nicely. :)

Fun Song Lyrics

Kissin' U - by Miranda Cosgrove

Sparks fly, it's like electricity
I might die when I forget how to breathe
You get closer and there's nowhere in this world
I'd rather be

Time stops like everything around me
It's frozen and nothing matters
But these few moments when you open my mind
To things I've never seen

'Cause when I'm kissing you my senses come alive
Almost like the puzzle piece I've been trying to find
Falls right into place, you're all that it takes
My doubts fade away when I'm kissing you

When I'm kissing you it all starts making sense
And all the questions I've been asking in my head
Like are you the one? Should I really trust?
Crystal clear it becomes when I'm kissing you

Past loves, they never got really far
Walls up, made sure I guarded my heart
And I promise I wouldn't do this
'Til I knew it was right for me

But no one, no guy that I met before
Could make me feel so right and secure
And have you noticed I lose my focus?
And the world around me disappears

'Cause when I'm kissing you my senses come alive
Almost like the puzzle piece I've been trying to find
Falls right into place, you're all that it takes
My doubts fade away when I'm kissing you

When I'm kissing you it all starts making sense
And all the questions I've been asking in my head
Like are you the one? Should I really trust?
Crystal clear it becomes when I'm kissing you

I've never felt nothing like this
You're making me open up
No point even trying to fight this
It kinda feels like it's love

'Cause when I'm kissing you my senses come alive
Almost like the puzzle piece I've been trying to find
Falls right into place, you're all that it takes
My doubts fade away when I'm kissing you

When I'm kissing you it all starts making sense
And all the questions I've been asking in my head
Like are you the one? Should I really trust?
Crystal clear it becomes when I'm kissing you



This is just a cute song I thought I'd share with you guys. :)

Creativity

It's been a while since I did any scrapbooking but I've finally finished another page in my friendship book. :)

I've got 2 more pages in the works.

Cosplay

I've decided if I could go as anyone to an anime convention it would be Yun Fang from FF13. I'd have to lose considerable weight so it won't happen this time around but it's a goal I have. This costume is delightful!

http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4032/4285723982_fde45fe6c7.jpg

This a place that sells the costume: http://www.cosplayfu.com/product/Yun+Fang+Cosplay+from+Final+Fantasy

Lyrics

I know I just shared some lyrics recently but I found this song and it just blew me away with it's caring message. I just had to share.

Wanted by Rachel Diggs

You don't think you're special
You don't think you're strong
But when the sky is falling
You feel like you belong

It might not be obvious
But you're not alone
We're going to let you wander
But never on your own

And I don't know if I can help you
You could tell me all you need
Its all right, You're wanted
Tonight it's alright
You're wanted

And your expectations
Are killing you slow
You're getting what you wanted
But pain is all you know

You've got a new life now
There's much that you see
But those that really know you
Are few and far between

And I don't know if they will help you
Do you tell them all you need?
Its all right you're wanted
Tonight it's alright
You're wanted

And you couldn't be more wrong
When you say it won't be long
Til the stars are gone
And you, you've got to see
When you bleed you're never free
'cause life's not that easy.

But tonight its alright
You're wanted
Tonight it's alright
You're wanted
Tonight it's alright
You're wanted

The words and melody really sooth me. Just remember..."You're wanted."

The Maze

The Maze

I can’t believe what I see.
An enormous maze.
I can’t understand for the life of me.
How to move to the next phase.

I seem so trapped.
Terribly lost in here.
It’s a wonder I haven’t snapped.
Or died of stress and fear.

When will I get through this.
Maybe this isn’t real.
How long will the exit, I miss.
When will the release, I feel?

When exiting this maze.
Will another loom ahead?
And I’ll be in another haze.
Or feel freedom instead?

It’s sad but it’s true.
I must go through this strife.
For this is growing up for me.
This is my life.


Megan Wells Age 19 Jan. 8th 2002

Solitude

Laugh, and the world laughs with you;
Weep, and you weep alone.
For the sad old earth must borrow it's mirth,
But has trouble enough of its own.
Sing, and the hills will answer;
Sigh, it is lost on the air.
The echoes bound to a joyful sound,
But shrink from voicing care.

Rejoice, and men will seek you;
Grieve, and they turn and go.
They want full measure of all your pleasure,
But they do not need your woe.
Be glad, and your friends are many;
Be sad, and you lose them all.
There are none to decline your nectared wine,
But alone you must drink life's gall.

Feast, and your halls are crowded;
Fast, and the world goes by.
Succeed and give, and it helps you live,
But no man can help you die.
There is room in the halls of pleasure
For a long and lordly train,
But one by one we must all file on
Through the narrow aisles of pain.

By Ella Wheeler Wilcox

Lyrics

This song really inspires me. There are so many times we don't say what we need to. Sometimes we don't tell people we love that we love them. Other times we see something that isn't right but we're too timid to speak up.

Say by John Mayer

Take all of your wasted honor
Every little past frustration
Take all of your so-called problems,
Better put 'em in quotations

Say what you need to say [x8]

Walking like a one man army
Fighting with the shadows in your head
Living out the same old moment
Knowing you'd be better off instead,
If you could only . . .

Say what you need to say [x8]

Have no fear for giving in
Have no fear for giving over
You'd better know that in the end
Its better to say too much
Then never say what you need to say again

Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open

Say what you need to say [x24]

To Have a Friend

It's hard when friendships seem only one sided. You invite the other person to do things but they rarely if ever invite you to do something. You are the one to do all the calling and emails. When all someone does is politely replies to your efforts at a friendship it's hard to not get discouraged and give up.

I'm reminded of a Holly Hobbie place mat that I used to have. It said: To have a friend you have to be one. Looking at that mat over and over again really ingrained that thought in my head. So when I've felt like I don't have many friends from time to time I've asked myself: Am I being a good friend?

Lyrics for My Little Sister

This song and post is dedicated to my little sis. I heard this song and thought of her and how she brightens my outlook on life. Every day she gives the gift of just being in my life. Words can't really describe how grateful I am to her for her continued support as I battle this illness called depression.

The chorus really expresses how I feel.

Best is Yet To Come - by Red

Afraid it won't come round again
Afraid to move on
Wishing I could go back when
Everything was easier and made for me
Wanting all we left behind
Like its the answer
An hour glass we can't rewind
Holding back the life that I've been at for so long

Can I find my way to you
And After all that we've been through
And after all we left in pieces
I still believe our lives have just begun
Cause now the past can be outrun
And I know you are the reason
I still believe the best is yet to come

A Photograph's still in my hands
Afraid to let it go
The minutes rain like grains of sand
And time is just a war that's stealing dreams from within
So come and take them back again

And After all that we've been through
And after all we left in pieces
I still believe our lives have just begun
Cause now the past can be outrun
And I know you are the reason
I still believe the best is yet to come

I won't turn around
Let it all slip away
I'm never backing down
Cause tomorrow's a new day
And everything can change

And After all that we've been through
And after all we left in pieces
I still believe our lives have just begun
Cause now the past can be outrun
And I know you are the reason
I still believe the best is yet to come

I still believe the best is yet to come
The best is yet to come
I still believe the best is yet to come

Lyrics

This song has been in my head a lot recently.

"Beautiful Disaster" by Jon McLaughlin

She loves her momma's lemonade
Hates the sounds that goodbyes make
She prays one day she'll find someone to need her
She swears that there's no difference between the lies and compliments
It's all the same if everybody leaves her

And every magazine tells her she's not good enough
The pictures that she sees makes her cry

She would change everything, everything, just ask her
Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster
She just needs someone to take her home

She's giving boys what they want
Tries to act so nonchalant
Afraid to see that she's lost her direction
She never stays the same for long
Assuming that she'll get it wrong
Perfect only in her imperfection

She's not a drama queen
She doesn't wanna feel this way
Only 17 and tired, yeah

She would change everything for happy ever after
Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster
She just needs someone to take her home

She's just the way she is
But no one's told her that's OK

She would change everything, everything, just ask her
Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster

She would change everything for happy ever after
Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster
She just needs someone to take her home
She just needs someone to take her home



I especially have been identifying with this line:
"She would change everything for happy ever after"

Guess you can tell I've been down a lot recently. Some things are going okay but then others just won't go right no matter how hard I might try.

Lyrics

This is a beautiful song. I love the lyrics.

"In My Arms" by Plumb

Your baby blues
So full of wonder
Your curly cues
Your contagious smile
And as i watch
You start to grow up
All I can do is hold you tight

Knowing clouds will rage in
Storms will race in
But you will be safe in my arms
Rains will pour down
Waves will crash all around
But you will be safe in my arms

Story books are full of fairy tales
Of kings and queens and the bluest skies
My heart is torn just in knowing
You'll someday see the truth from lies

Knowing clouds will rage in
Storms will race in
But you will be safe in my arms
Rains will pour down
Waves will crash all around
But you will be safe in my arms

Castles they might crumble
Dreams may not come true
But you are never all alone
Because I will always
Always love you

Clouds will rage in
Storms will race in
But you will be safe in my arms
Rains will pour down
Waves will crash all around
But you will be safe in my arms

(Warning, this song made me cry the first couple times hearing it. It's just so beautiful)

Week 4

I've started just trying to do something creative each week. This week was pretty good. It's the 4th week of the month and I got quite a bit done. I went over to my parents house and used some of my mother's card making supplies to make these cards. I liked the way they turned out. I was joking that the one looked like a Valentine card but I think it would make a good anniversary card. I hope you enjoy my creations. :)

Depression

It's been a number of days since I did anything creative. Depression has given me days where I can't even get out of bed. I so wanted to do this 365 day creative project but I'm starting to see that it's a little out of reach for me. :(

Once again, depression wins a round. So I'm thinking I'll make an effort to do something creative every week. I think that's more attainable for me. I'll continue to post completed projects and update my blog.

Sorry people!

Day 10 of Creativity

I took two days off of doing something creative everyday. One day I was at a friend's house and didn't have everything with me that I needed to make something. The other day, I was a bit too depressed to do anything. =/

Anyway, these are pictures of me and Heather on our first Ferris Wheel ride. We rode this at a local carnival. It was a lot of fun but a little scary.

Friends

Working on this project, making a scrapbook of my close friends, has really made me think about the subject. It has made me wonder about friends that I've fell out of touch with over the years. It was never intentional but some how life went on and before I knew it, I hadn't spoken or written to a friend in years. This makes me sad when I think about it. I wonder if I tried to reach out to friends in the past if they'd welcome it. I think it's worth a try. Some of my old friends I don't even know where they are or how to get a hold of them. Any suggestions for how to find those ones again?
I've also thought about the friends that have remained over the years and those who I've just started being friends with. I cherish the friends I've had for so many years. I'm thankful they are still there and that I can still call them a close friend. I'm also so grateful for the new friends I've made in the last couple years. I hope the new friends stay. I look forward to getting to know them better.

Friends old and new, here and past...you've brightened my life! Thank you!

Day 8 & 9 of Creativity

I'm not entirely happy with the way this one turned out but the picture is a good one. Amber and I, have been friends since we were 13. We've been through a lot together. I couldn't ask for a better friend. :)

Lyrics

I find myself identifying with the lyrics of this song. I find the lyrics encouraging. The song is called: Maybe by The Sick Puppies
I don't know why someone would name their band that but oh well, it's a good song.

Maybe I'm a dreamer
Maybe I'm misunderstood
Maybe you're not seeing the side of me you should
Maybe I'm crazy
Maybe I'm the only one
Maybe I'm just out of touch
Maybe I've just had enough

Maybe it's time to change
And leave it all behind
I've never been one to walk alone
I've always been scared to try
So why does it feel so wrong
To reach for something more
To wanna live a better life
What am I waiting for?
'Cause nothing stays the same
Maybe it's time to change

Maybe it's hopeless
Maybe I should just give up
What if I can't trust myself?
What if I just need some help?

Maybe it's time to change
And leave it all behind
I've never been one to walk alone
I've always been scared to try
So why does it feel so wrong
To reach for something more
To wanna live a better life
What am I waiting for?
'Cause nothing stays the same
Maybe it's time to change


Look up the song on YouTube and enjoy. It's better hearing it then just reading the lyrics. :D

Day 6 & 7 of Creativity

This one I had a hard time picking out a background for. In the end, I thought something simple and sweet suited the subject. :)

Cherie was my first sister-in-law. She is a very sweet and sincere person who also shares my love for dogs. :D

Day 5 of Creativity

I'm pretty happy with this page in my new scrapbook. Kathy has given me so many words of wisdom over the years I've known her that I thought the sticker very appropriate. Even though Frankie's eyes are glowing...this is still a great picture of Kathy. She has been a wonderful friend to me. I miss not being in the same congregation with her but I still get to see her. :)

Days 3&4 of Creativity

The past two days I've spent working on a new project. I'm making a cute little scrapbook of my friends. I spent my time on the 3rd day searching through photos that I already have printed. Today I worked on the cover and back of the book.

Now I have to go through my digital pictures and see if I have some photos of friends there. If I ask to take a picture of you in the next couple days...that's what it will probably be for.

Day 2 of Creativity

Today I went over to my parent's house in the evening. While I was there, my mother got out her card making supplies and we went to town! Here's a picture of one of the cards I made.

Today was a good day. :)

Today I started on my creative 365 day project. I worked on a scrapbook page. I'm not sure it's finished though so I'm not posting a picture yet. I loved this quote so I put it on the page:

"And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight in the bud was more painful then the risk it took to blossom." - Anais Nin

I thought it such a beautiful thought.

I also spent the evening with my wonderful brother, Aaron.

I got a letter for Social Security telling me I have 2 appointments this month. One is a physical exam and the other is a mental exam. I'm nervous about them but they are another step closer to getting disability. Please pray that it goes well and I can get on disability. It would help me and Heather out tremendously. My depression has just gotten too bad for me to keep a stable job. :(

In my prayers...

I recently found out that one person I'm close to is now engaged and another started dating. I want only the best for all involved. Recent experiences have made me fearful. A beloved friend is getting divorced. I was there and signed her marriage license and now this is what has happened. I know that this doesn't happen to every couple but it is way too common. So to find some comfort and put things in Jehovah's hands, I find myself praying for the engaged couple as well as the dating couple. I want them to make the right decisions and it's not within my power to know if they are doing that. So I pray...and pray.

Maybe...I worry too much.

Embarking on a journey...

I wish to embark on a creative journey. I plan to do something creative every day. I want to challenge my creativity by trying new avenues to express myself. This will also allow me to improve on the outlets I already find joy in. I want to spend time scrapbooking, writing, sewing, painting, drawing, etc. I may or may not blog about every day. I think I'll combine some days so I won't bore anyone with daily posts. I'm looking forward to this year and the projects it will inspire.

Something Creative...

Seeing Heather take on the challenge of taking a picture everyday makes me want to do something similar. I don't want to be taking pictures everyday since that would probably leave us fighting over the camera but I want to challenge myself creatively. Anyone have some ideas of what I could do?

Lyrics

Music plays such a big part of my life. It helps describe how I'm feeling and gives and outlet for thoughts that can otherwise not be expressed. I often find I have "theme songs" during different times in my life. Sometimes it's a situation I'm in and other times it is a repetitive feeling that I have.
I deal with chronic and major depression so a lot of my feelings are dark. This means that a good deal of the music I listen to deals with depression and the struggle I face. I've been very depressed today and so these lyrics really express how I've been feeling:

"Keep Breathing" by Ingrid Michaelson

The storm is coming but I don't mind
People are dying, I close my blinds

All that I know is I'm breathing now

I want to change the world
Instead I sleep
I want to believe in more than you and me

But all that I know is I'm breathing
All I can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing now