Something I Don't Think I Want to Understand.

Something that I don't understand, and yet I'm frequently exposed to; a particular view or approach people take to material possessions. They set out to buy a new item. The item is usually some sort of electronics. They buy it and they seem quite satisfied. They may even show it off because they think it's awesome and or they are so proud to have it. (Maybe they are fulfilling some deeper psychological need in doing this. Perhaps getting a sense of importance and self-worth by having and showing off this item. I'm not sure.) A newer model comes out a few months or maybe a year or so later. The new model may have a new feature. And suddenly the item they have is undesirable and unappreciated. The new model is everything because...well, it's new and it has that one or two new features! 

I don't understand deriving satisfaction from having the latest or greatest when it comes to gadgets. My approach is: I'm not rich. I don't have a lot of money that I don't know what  to do with. Anything that costs over $50 gets analyzed to its usefulness and how much I need or want said item. When considering buying electronics, I do a good deal of research so I know what it is I would like to get. Know what features are important to me and which are not. If there is a particular model  of an item that I want, I save for that model. I'd rather wait and save for the item that I really want then get something that isn't really what I wanted. Because I have solid reasons for getting a particular item, have probably saved for a while to have it, I find I'm usually satisfied with it for a long, long time. A new model comes out and it doesn't diminish the value I put on the item I already own. If an item breaks or it no longer serves the purpose for which I got it, then I look into replacing it. I read to see what options are out there and what is important to me. 

In general, I try to avoid talking to people about material possessions. I especially avoid it with people who have the attitude that I mentioned at the start of this post. I try to remain satisfied and appreciative with what I have. I can't understand when people are always dissatisfied with what they have materially. Especially when if they really thought about it, there are people who can't afford the old model and would be grateful just to have that, let alone the latest. 

Anyway, so this has been on my mind off and on for a long time. Thank you to those who read through it and let me rant. 

This Year

As this year wraps up, I've been thinking back on the goals I set back in January and what I've accomplished.

One goal I set was to read 20 books this year. Before setting the goal, I'd read maybe 2 books in a year. I've always enjoyed reading but had gotten away from it. Instead, I was writing a lot. I wanted to improve my writing skills and heard reading a variety of things was a good way to improve. Of the 20 books, 9 were novel length. So I feel a sense of accomplishment about that.

A couple times during the year I faced very challenging situations in regards to controlling my anxiety. For most of those situations I was successful. I was able to do what I set out to do, and get through the situation with relative ease.

I was also able to help with saving money so that me and Heather could go on a trip to California. A lot of the planning was my job. So I read over a lot of travel books, checked flights, read hotel reviews and such. The efforts paid off because we got to go. (I've been working on some posts about it. Just stuff that I thought about it that just showing the pictures wouldn't tell you. Besides, most who might read this have seen the pictures.)

Another goal was to get in better shape physically. I'm still 5 pounds from my goal but I've already lost 20 pounds this year. Managing that, I feel like I can continue to set goals in that regard and reach them.

There were other goals that were important to me that unfortunately I didn't reach. For example, I really wanted to make reading the daily text part of my routine. At most I'd do about 3 days in a row. :(  What ever goals I didn't reach this year are probably going to be set for next year. Some I might have to analyze why I didn't reach them. Perhaps with some of them, I didn't take the right approach. If I change my approach, perhaps I'll be more successful.

I feel like I learned some important things about myself as well this year.

I hope whoever reads this has also had success this year with their goals. :)

(Since I'm trying really hard to only present the positive in this post, I'll end it now.) Thanks for reading!

Yeah, lately...this:

Fear of Flagpoles

I hurried Bentley outside. Why does he always have to go out so late at night? I take him down to the end of the driveway. He always seems to find a spot quickly when I take him there. As I pass it, I see it out of the corner of my eye. Why did I have to see it! It’s okay…just don’t look over in that direction again.

“Come on, Bentley. Hurry up!” I can feel the tension creeping into my throat, constricting it. Bentley starts sniffing nearby it and I can’t stop myself. I look directly at it. My heart starts to race and I feel queasy. It’s the flag pole in our yard. Why did we have to move to a place that has a flagpole in the yard? Why? I want to run away from it with every fiber in my body but I tell myself that I’m being irrational. There’s nothing…there’s nothing at the top. Better not look anyway. No…I can’t look up. Just don’t look up at the top. It will be okay. Just get inside quick and I can stop thinking about this. I pull on Bentley’s leash. He’s had long enough out here. Must get inside! I rush inside and April looks at me with a confused expression. Guessing she can see the panic in my eyes I take a deep breath to try and calm down.

“What is it, Rose?”

“I can’t say…other then I’ll say that I hate that flagpole. I don’t even want to say the word again. And please don’t ask me why the sight of it makes me anxious.”

“Do all flagpoles make you anxious or just that one?”

“All of them. I just can’t look at the tops of them.” I didn’t explain anymore but started flipping through a book. She probably thinks I’m crazy. I feel like I’m crazy. So often flagpoles just fade into the scenery so that I don’t notice them, but this one is in our yard! There is no ignoring it. I just wish we could take it down! I’m just glad she didn’t ask what I’m afraid is at the top. For some reason I’m filled with such a dread that if I try to explain what I’m afraid is up there, describing it will make it real.

Your Dog is 15 Years Old

Your Dog is 15 Years Old

Maybe you had him since he was eight weeks old. Maybe you got him as an adult. But you’ve had him awhile and now he’s fifteen years old.

You’re moving to an apartment that doesn’t allow dogs. Or you’re moving someplace where he won’t have a yard and you’d actually have to walk him.

Whatever the case is, you don’t want to be bothered with him anymore.

The first dog I ever had I only had for two years. One day she ran past me as I went out to go to work because she saw a dog on the other side of the street. A truck zoomed by and in an instant she was dead.

The first puppy I ever had was the light of my life. But he was born with an aggressive degenerative nerve disease. I saw him go from an energetic puppy, full of life, to a dog that my sister and I had to carry downstairs from our apartment so he could go potty. We had to have him put down by the time he was two years old. There was nothing that could be done.

I adopted a little dog who the owner said was about fourteen years old. The woman said she wanted money for Christmas presents. When I first brought the little dog home, she acted like she didn’t know what grass was. She didn’t ever wag her tail. She was old and feeble. She never did learn to potty outside or on a pee pad. She only stayed with me one year before she had to be put to sleep. But before that happened, I got her to where she was readily wagging her tail.

If I could have had just one more year with any one of those dogs, I would have been overjoyed.

So your dog is fifteen years old now…

A Thought

"Insanity - Doing the same thing over and over again but expecting a different result each time."


I read this quote and it made me think about what it is I'm trying to do. There are several situations that are and have been causing me a lot of distress. So instead of reacting to them in the same way, in a way that has felt natural to me, I'm trying to react differently.

I don't know that these new ways of handling things is really in my best interest or really "better" then how I was handling them before. Part of me fears, because it feels so unnatural, that it can't be a better way. But I feel like I have to try.

I don't want to insanely do the same things over and over again and wonder why the situations still bring me so much unhappiness.

To anyone who may be concerned: I'm not talking about changing the way I do things from sticking to the Bible to doing something unscriptual.

Wide Awake

Wide Awake by Katy Perry

I had to share this video and song. As usual, I like the song and its lyrics. But I love, love, love the video. The first time I saw it, it gave me chills. There are a couple referrences to Alice in Wonderland in the video. The caterpiller, cheshire cat, looking glass and hedge maze (But in this case, some of the maze is made from brick walls.) all show up. I may have missed some referrences but those are the ones I spotted. The song doesn't really have anything to do with Alice in Wonderland but I liked the visual story in the video that included those things.

I couldn't find the music video on YouTube without a prelude or ending that were not part of the song. So I downloaded it and tried to cut out the begining and end parts. If you can't watch the one I posted here, you can find it on YouTube. I really like the three different dresses she wears in this video. Here are a couple pictures from the video:

Last but not least, here are the lyrics:

I'm wide awake
I'm wide awake

I'm wide awake
Yeah, I was in the dark
I was falling hard
With an open heart
I'm wide awake
How did I read the stars so wrong?
I'm wide awake
And now it's clear to me
That everything you see
Ain't always what it seems
I'm wide awake
Yeah, I was dreaming for so long

[Pre-Chorus]
I wish I knew then
What I know now
Wouldn't dive in
Wouldn't bow down
Gravity hurts
You made it so sweet
'Til I woke up on
On the concrete

[Chorus]
Falling from cloud 9
Crashing from the high
I'm letting go tonight
Yeah, I'm falling from cloud 9

I'm wide awake
Not losing any sleep
I picked up every piece
And landed on my feet
I'm wide awake
Need nothing to complete myself, no

I'm wide awake
Yeah, I am born again
Outta the lion's den
I don't have to pretend
And it's too late
The story's over now, the end

[Pre-Chorus]
I wish I knew then
What I know now
Wouldn't dive in
Wouldn't bow down
Gravity hurts
You made it so sweet
'Til I woke up on
On the concrete

[Chorus]
Falling from cloud 9 (it was out of the blue)
I'm crashing from the high
I'm letting go tonight (yeah, I'm letting you go)
I'm falling from cloud 9

I'm wide awake
Thunder rumbling
Castles crumbling
I'm wide awake
I am trying to hold on
I'm wide awake
God knows that I tried
Seeing the bright side
I'm wide awake
But I'm not blind anymore...

I'm wide awake
I'm wide awake

[Chorus]
Yeah, I'm falling from cloud 9 (it was out of the blue)
I'm crashing from the high
You know I'm letting go tonight (yeah, I'm letting you go)
I'm falling from cloud 9

I'm wide awake
I'm wide awake
I'm wide awake
I'm wide awake
I'm wide awake

A Song - Deconstructed

I discovered this song recently and I really love it. As usual, it's the lyrics that I love and relate to. I decided to breakdown the song and say why I relate to the lyrics. I've posted the lyrics as well as my thoughts in parenthesis afterwards. I've also included a lyric video if you want to hear the song.

I'm Alive!
By Becca

Nothing I say comes out right
(I often feel misunderstood. Even when I've tried really hard to convey my thoughts accurately, I'm still afraid I've come across wrong.)
I can't love without a fight
(I find it difficult to trust and I don't easily fall in love.)
No one ever knows my name
When I pray for sun, it rains
(I often don't feel like my prayers are answered but I keep on praying.)
I'm so sick of wasting time
But nothing's moving in my mind
(I feel stifled by my thoughts sometimes. Still, I can't seem to overcome and move pass certain thoughts and thought processes and this is frustrating.)
Inspiration can't be found
(Despite the fact that I long to create, I'm often uninspired.)
I get up and fall but...
(At times this happens a couple times a day.)

[CHORUS]
I'm ALIVE!
I'm ALIVE! Oh, yeah
Between the good and bad's where you'll find me
Reaching for heaven
(The above two lines pretty much sum it up for me. I so long to be a really 'good' person. The term; reaching to heaven, symbolizes that for me. But unlike some people I know, I'm always falling short of what I think I'm capable of and end up in-between 'good' and 'bad'.)
I will fight
(I'm a fighter and will keep trying!)
And I'll sleep when I die
I live, My life, I'm ALIVE!

Every lover breaks my heart
And I know it from the start
(Part of knowing someone will break my heart from the start is being pessimistic at times and knowing that I am a very sensitive person. Even people I know love me can kind of break my heart a little at times.)
Still I end up in a mess
Every time I second Guess
(When I second guess my instincts, it usually creates a mess.)
All my friend's just run away
When I'm having a bad day
(Sad, but quite often true.)
I would rather stay in bed
But I know there's a reason...
(When I'm depressed I just want to lay in bed but I have to remember that there is a reason I'm alive and fight to keep going.)

I'm ALIVE!
I'm ALIVE! Oh, yeah
Between the good and bad's where you'll find me
Reaching for heaven
I will fight
And I'll sleep when I die
I live, My life, I'm ALIVE!

When I'm bored to death at home
When he won't pick up the phone
(I don't like spending a lot of time home alone. Sometimes I get bored but mostly just lonely. During times like that it is difficult when I reach out but people don't respond. But I still have to keep reminding myself that there is a reason I'm alive.)
When I'm stuck in second place
(I often feel second place or not important.)
Those regrets I can't erase
(Too many regrets.)
Only I can change the end
Of the movie in my head
There's no time for misery
I won't feel sorry for me
(I really don't want to sit around and feel sorry for myself. I'd rather, when I have the strength, do something to improve things.)

[CHORUS]
I'm ALIVE!
I'm ALIVE! Oh, yeah
Between the good and bad's where you'll find me
Reaching for heaven
I will fight
And I'll sleep when I die
I live, My life, ohh!

[CHORUS]
I'm ALIVE!
I'm ALIVE! Oh, yeah
Between the good and bad's where you'll find me
Reaching for heaven
I will fight
And I'll sleep when I die
I live, my hard life,
I live, my life
I'm ALIVE!


Even though this song expresses thoughts on negative things, to me, it still has a positive/encouraging message. The message to me is there is always a reason to keep living. Life is a gift and something to be grateful for. When I hear this song, I can't help but feel a little uplifted by it.

A Language I Can Not Speak Anymore

Since before I was a teenager I started writing poetry. I wrote well over a hundred poems but only about a dozen really good ones. But for the past two to three years I've not written more then maybe four lines of any one poem. I start to feel poetic and have a sense of what I want to convey in the poem but can't get more then a few lines down. It has become so frustrating to me. I miss feeling poetic and then being able to express the feelings to my heart's content. The moments of inspiration or poetic feelings are few and far between and then when I do actually have them, they won't take form in words. When I thought about how I haven't been able to write poetry in a long time, I started to think of a poem about the subject and came up with the name of this post...however, I couldn't come up with more then a few lines. I've felt my inspiration running low in all aspects of late. I'm experiencing a dullness of my mind and I'm bored with myself. Part of me keeps thinking that maybe if I experienced something new...saw something new...maybe it would recharge my creativity and spark inspiration. What about you? Have you experienced something similar? What did you do?

To Feel Alive

Many times, the only way I remember I'm alive is when I'm surrounded by the living.

When humans are no where to be found, at least I have pets. They are a small comfort in this dark world.

Parents

The dedication and support that parents can give to help their children reach their goals can be a beautiful thing. It's so wonderful when you love someone so much that helping and seeing them reach their goals gives you almost as much joy as it does if you were the one to reach them yourself.

Words to Follow

Too Many Drafts

I was looking at my blog and realized that I have a lot of unpublished blog entries. Just since my last post, I've written up 4 entries and not published them. There are quite a few before that. I find I'm doing it a lot because there are things I want to confide or talk to someone about but I feel I don't have anyone I can do that with. So instead I write blog entries but decide they are too personal or revealing about me and don't post them.

Of course, there are things it's better not to publish blog entries about, even if you believe your audience small. The frustrating thing is not having someone in "real life" you can feel free to talk to. Sometimes I worry my thoughts and feelings will offend someone or that people couldn't "handle" what's on my mind. Other times, unless someone knows me really well, I feel it would be too complicated to explain what and why I'm thinking a certain way. Or try to explain what and why I'm facing a problem.

It hasn't always been like this. It wasn't that long ago when I felt like I had some people in my life I considered "mothers". Not all were old enough to be my mother and none were related to me but they had more experience then me and I felt I could talk to them about most of my concerns/thoughts. For various reasons, they are no longer actively in my life. So while I feel I have friends that I enjoy spending time with and appreciate, there isn't really any person I feel I can go to for advice when facing some sort of difficulty or to share my more weightier thoughts with.

I don't mean for this to be a "pity me" post. I was looking over my blog and started to analyze why I had so many unpublished posts. I started to think about what need I was filling by typing them up but then not publishing them. Then I thought of how that need was filled in the past but why not now. So I'm sharing my analysis of my blog and part of my life...and I'm not sure why but I think I'll publish this time! =/

It's Been a While...How About a Poem?

I didn't realize it had been so long since I posted on my blog. A comment on my last post made me realize it. (Thanks for the reminder! :) ) I've written a couple posts but ended up keeping them as drafts as I wasn't sure I should share. Even if I don't end up posting them, I do like writing about my thoughts and feelings on various subjects. It's sort of like diary entries.
So I was considering what I wanted to post and decided I would post one of my poems, seeing I've only posted one on this blog so far. I opened my folder entitled: 116 Poems. (I actually have more then that in another folder and some in notebooks. >_<) I ended up reading most of them. It was interesting to see what my feelings were. Especially, did I find it interesting when I had put the date on the poem. Some of them were the sort of thing you might write that you think, if I die, someone can read these but before then...no.

Anyway, I picked a more light-hearted one to share. I hope you enjoy it!

Footprints Through the Forest

Fragrant breezes wisp away.
The foolish cares of the day.
Strolling leisurely through serenity.
Birds joyfully fill the air with chatter.
Skipping from Lilac to daisy..
The hours lay like pebbles
in the stream.
Carefully I chose the ones
glossy and smooth.
And skip them away.
As in childish play.
Stooping for another.
In the mud I discover.
Makings of all size and kind.
Footprints in the forest.
Intrigued I leave behind all
caution or care.
And follow so happily.
These footprints through the forest.
Aware of nothing more then
these intricate designs.
That lead the way.
The path I choose to follow.
The footprints through the forest.

Louder Than Thunder

I came across this song when I was watching AMVs. I really liked the lyrics. I don't think I'd heard any of this band's songs before. The music is really pretty and the vocals, interesting.

Song: Louder Than Thunder

Artist: The Devil Wears Prada

Lyrics:

What would it take for things to be quiet?
Quiet, like the snow.
And I know this isn't much but,
I know I could, I could be better.

I don't think I deserve it;
selflessness find your way into my heart.
All stars could be brighter.
All hearts could be warmer.

What would it take for things to be quiet?
Quiet, like the snow.
Are we meant to be empty-handed?
I know I could, I could be better.

I don't think I deserve it;
selflessness find your way into my heart.
All stars could be brighter.
All hearts could be warmer.

(Whispered: What would it take for things to be quiet?
Find your way into my heart
What would it take for things to be quiet?
Find your way into my heart)

What would it take for things to be quiet?

What Has Transpired...

I'm just starting to feel like I'm coming out of what was a terrible time for me. I was extremely depressed and only one step from making a suicide attempt.

My feelings were too painful. I couldn't sleep. No matter how I tried to redirect my mind to other thoughts, only negative and terrible thoughts filled my mind. So I decided to try one of the pills the doctor had prescribed to help me sleep. If there was any time I wanted to sleep and couldn't, this was it. The directions said to take one at bedtime. But that might mean I'd wake up in the morning and right then, the last thing I wanted to do is wake up. I just wanted to sleep. So I decide to take two and go to sleep. Heather had to wake me the following afternoon. I felt dizzy and unable to focus. I managed to eat something, use the bathroom and go back to bed. I didn't wake again until 2am. and it was almost 24 hours since I took the two pills. Unlike the other time, I could tell this time I was no longer under the influence of any drug. My mind was clear but the depression was back. I did what I needed to do; eat, take the dogs out to potty, etc. I decided there's no way I wanted to be up at 2am. alone in the house so I took another pill and went back to sleep. Though I didn't take anymore pills after that, I spent most of the time sleeping. I slept in the main part of the house so the dogs didn't have to be crated. I had to just hope they didn't get into too much trouble while I slept.
I spent more then 3 days in a sleepy, depressed blur. I didn't leave the house, didn't communicate with anyone but Heather(Though she had to work 3 days in a row which meant 12 hours shifts of work and several hours sleeping, therefore I didn't see much of her.) and barely took care of myself. I feel a little better now. Negative emotions and thoughts aren't constantly plaguing me but I still feel fragile.

Looking back, I wish I could say that I have learned something that will keep me from going down that road again...But I fear as long as I'm alive and don't have something that is helping me with my depression I will continue to have these times. It is just the most terrifying thing. And I felt, no feel, so alone.

Wild Horses

I recently heard this song again. It had been a while but I was reminded how much I like it.

Song: Wild Horses
Artist: Natasha Bedingfield

Lyrics:

I feel these 4 walls closing in
My face up against the glass
I'm looking out... hmm
Is this my life I'm wondering
It happened so fast
How do I turn this thing around
Is this the bed I chose to make
Its greener pastures I'm thinking about hmm
Wide open spaces far away

All I want is the wind in my hair
To face the fear but, not feel scared

[Chorus:]
Wild horses I wanna be like you
Throwing caution to the wind
I'll run free too
Wish I could recklessly love, like I'm longing to
Run with the wild horses, run with the wild horses!
Oh yeah yea

I see the girl I wanna be
Riding bare back, care free along the shore
If only that someone was me
Jumping head first headlong without a thought
To act and damn the consequence
How I wish it could be that easy
But fear surrounds me like a fence
I wanna break free

All I want is the wind in my hair
To face the fear but, not feel scared
Hoohhh woah woah

[Chorus:]
Wild horses I wanna be like you
Throwing caution to the wind
I'll run free too
Wish I could recklessly love, like I'm longing to
I wanna run with the wild horses, run with the wild horses!
Oh yeah yea

I wanna run too.
Hohhh woah oh woah oh

Recklessly abandoning my self before you
I wanna open up my heart tell him how I feel

[Chorus:]
Wild horses I wanna be like you
Throwing caution to the wind
I'll run free too
Wish I could recklessly love, like I'm longing to
I wanna run with the wild horses, run with the wild horses! [X2]
Hooaah woah oh woah
Yeah

I wanna run with the wild horses

Books I'm Currently Reading?

I logged on to Shelfari today and looked over the books I have listed as books I'm currently reading. Actually, I'm not currently reading any of them. :(

Master of Dragons and Nefertiti are both books that I got really far in reading but didn't complete before they had to go back to the library. I had renewed them a couple times already and they were starting to accrue fines. So I had to return them unfinished. Those are only two of quite a few that I've done that with. I actually have a small list somewhere with books I had to return to the library before I finished. I have the title, author and page where I left off written down.

I guess I just get distracted with life or other hobbies. Maybe it's because those books weren't well written. Or perhaps it's because I start worrying that it wouldn't have a good ending. I usually end up getting mad at myself for not finishing it and think it's a flaw with me and not the author.

Another book I have listed on that site is Woman in White. I saw the movie a while ago and thought the storyline was good. The way it is written is a little slow to me but I stuck it out to see the "mystery" revealed. (I had forgotten what the "mystery" was in the movie.) It is a long book and I only have about 20 pages or so left to read to complete it. But I was disappointed with what the "mystery" was and I am no longer as excited to see how it wraps up. I still want to finished it since I own the book. I'm just more interested in reading something else.

My goal is to one day finish the dozen or so books that I've started and not finished. :)

Actually, I do currently have 3 books from the library that I'm trying to read. I haven't listed them on Shelfari because I'm not sure if I should be embarrassed by my choices yet. >_<